This blog bears my name, which means it should be about me. In a way, it definitely is. I decided to start this blog to simply express myself. Unfiltered, most likely also unedited, pure me.
But in a way, it’s not only about me. It’s also about my grandmother. But let’s start at the beginning.
Ever since I read my first book, I wanted to be an author. That’s actually not such an uncommon theme among writers. I guess most of this is not.
As a kid, and even as an adult, I always lived in my own world. Or rather, I should say worlds. But being the person I am, I never actually published anything for a very long time in any way or form.
“I am not good enough.”
“That story isn’t intriguing enough.”
“Where would I find an audience for a thing like this?”
“Many did it before me, a lot better than this.”
These were among the many reasons why I decided not to publish for years. No blog, no fan fiction, nothing. It’s basically a common display of impostor syndrome. I finally broke this mindset in 2016 for the very first time. Being still young and naive, I had a story that I finally thought was good enough. As a young and naive person, I decided to self-publish. I can manage everything the best, can’t I? Well, to say the least, it was a mess. I got myself an editor, and I found book printers that print on demand. All that stuff. I even found a few small bookstores that would take my book in. Well, long story short, I sold a few copies. I didn’t make a bank. Neither was it a great success. You could say it was a flop.
On the other hand, the handful of people who actually bought the book praised it. Well, the majority of them. Even to this day, years later, people ask me, “When is Xenoforming 2 coming out?”.
But as time went on, I moved on to other things, always having something else in mind. Flooded with work, I always found a reason not to finish the story. I basically sidelined it altogether. Although not completely. You see, as I mentioned before, I am always living in my own worlds. And I never left the world of Xenoforming. Waiting for a meeting or falling asleep, I am always exploring the story I have created, expanding it, and forging the world. I just never got myself together to put it in print. Always finding new reasons not to do so.
Fast-forward to 2022. The second part of this blog’s story happened. You see, my beloved grandmother died suddenly on May 25th, 2022. She was a woman who basically raised me. Don’t get me wrong, my parents are great people who always cared for me wholeheartedly. But when I was a kid, they worked a lot to provide for our family. Which meant spending most of my formative years in the care of my grandmother. Let me tell you a bit about her.
Her life was full of hardship. She was raised in a small village during a time when owning things such as a TV or a car was considered a luxury. I still remember her mother (my great-grandmother) cooking on an old cook stove when I was small. My grandmother always dreamed of becoming a doctor, but she was never allowed to do so. Her mother opposed, to say the least. In the end, she decided to study in secret to at least become a nurse. Then she found a husband and had two daughters, one of whom was obviously my mother. All kind of good so far, right? But of course, tragedy always waits around the corner. Barely into my mother’s teens, my grandfather passed away. Naturally, that hit her hard, but she took care of her daughters as well as she could. Eventually, she even found a new partner. That man was someone I considered my grandfather my whole life. But, as you probably noticed, I used past tense there, so I guess you know what’s coming. I wasn’t even 5 years old, and he passed away as well. Ever since then, she was alone. Her health deteriorated in the past few years, and finally she lost the fight at the age of almost 78 years not so long ago.
There are things you realize only after your loved one passes. There were many things I realized, you know. Common remorse came first.
“I should have spent more time with her.”
“I should have taken better care of her.”
“I am never going to see her again.”
But the most important thing I realized is how important it is for me to keep on writing.
You see, when we went through what she left behind, there was one thing among all of her stuff displayed as a trophy for all this time. It was my book. She couldn’t care less about the flaws of the book or the fact that anyone can self-publish nowadays. For her, it was the best thing I ever did because I made my dream come true. And she is the reason I am here today, writing this. For her, I decided to start this site, blog, or whatever you decide to call it.
If I go through the regular print route, I will always find a reason not to do it. I have decided to publish on my own site for free, for everyone to see. There is, of course, a bit of selfishness in this as I have decided to publish in English. That way, I can reach many more people than writing in my native language. Even if I publish everything here for free, I am still hoping to find an audience that will enjoy my work. One day, maybe I will even become a real author. But even if I don’t, I will keep publishing in here because if there is an afterlife, hopefully, she will be able to read my work.